Dave Barry: Mr. Language Person lowers the boom

Dave Barry ©2004, The Miami Herald

MIAMI Join us now for another rendition of "Ask Mr. Language Person," the only grammar column mentioned by name in the Bible, as well as the official grammar column of the American Association of English Teachers in the Staff Lounge Counting the Days Until Retirement. We begin with a disturbing escalation in the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes. As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks decided to call its cup sizes "Tall" (meaning "not tall," or "small"), "Grande" (meaning "medium") and "Venti" (meaning, for all we know, "weasel snot"). Unfortunately, we consumers, like moron sheep, started actually USING these names. Why? If Starbucks decided to call its toilets "AquaSwooshies," would we go along with THAT? Yes! Baaa!

But it's getting worse. Recently, at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport and Death March, Mr. Language Person noticed that a Starbuck's competitor, Seattle's Best Coffee (which also uses "Tall" for small and "Grande" for medium) is calling its large size - get ready - "Grande Supremo." Yes. And as Mr. Language Person watched in horror, many customers - seemingly intelligent, briefcase-toting adults - actually used this term, as in, "I'll take a 'Grande Supremo.'"

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